After many years abroad, Dafne found herself in the most unlikely of places - Milan. Born and raised in Italy, she now straddles that divide of being Italian & feeling like a foreigner in some ways. This is her story on how Milan brought her back to square one, forcing her to ask deep questions about life. She realised that even if Milan wasn’t what she wanted, it gave her what she needed. She recounts her experience of ‘a mid-30’s crisis’, but how Milan’s given her the edge to make the most of it!
Written by: Dafne Eleonora Dell’Accio (founder of The Loopy Vermillio)
Everybody calls me Dafne (except my father, who fought to name me Eleonora and yet has always called me Zizzy!). And I’m from the south of Italy. I lived abroad for almost 10 years, and moved back to my country in 2022 - more precisely to Milan.
When people ask me if I feel more Italian or more from Apulia, I always find it hard to answer.
I was born in the south, and within an Apulian family, but my parents were living in Piedmont at that time, and that is where I lived until my 6th birthday.
We moved back to the south, so I honestly don’t recall anything of our little town in Piedmont…
…except the people that were part of my life.
I always said I had my ‘third’ grandma there, who in fact was our elderly neighbour who used to babysit me, and treated me like her own granddaughter.
Moving to the south was a bit of a trauma for me.
Another small town, and all those other kids used to wonder ‘who is that girl with that foreign name and foreign accent?’, but I got on with it and got used to it. At that time, I don’t think I’d ever questioned my identity, to be honest.
For my master’s degree, I moved to Bergamo, again to the north of Italy, where I only lived one year, then completed my degree in Russia, and eventually moved to the UK for a year and worked as an au pair while writing my dissertation.
Fresh from my Masters, I tried for months to find a job in Italy, but ended up getting a job in Slovakia instead.
I was determined it would be a one-year thing but no, as it turned out, I stayed for about six years, until Covid ‘helped’ me move back home.
Or, kind of…because I moved to Milan, the only city in Italy where I always said I’d never move to!
And here I am, still living in Milan since 2022 with no immediate plans to leave. So when people ask me if I feel more Italian or Apulian (and sense of belonging here), well, I have no clue…
But honestly, do I have to? Would I be less patriotic?
With the years, I’ve just learnt to find my own environment (or at least I try), my safe space, my mental and physical balance in every new place I go to.
And if that didn’t come easy, at least I got better at paying attention to my inner voice and questioning my unspoken needs. Not that this came without pain and challenges.
It always required adjustment, coping, and a certain amount of heartbreaks too, especially when I would part with friends or family, blood and chosen. (I told you about my third grandma, well, I also left a second mum back in the UK!
And now, well, it’s been the toughest ever.
Living and working in many different places has helped me seek different perspectives and learn ‘other ways’ beyond the way I was raised.
And Milan is no different.
It happened probably just at the right time, when I needed it the most, although I was not aware of it yet.
Milan, with its vibrant multicultural environment, its opportunities, and its huge offering of cultural and architectural inputs, contrasted with a work culture that prioritises speed, high numbers, and competition - this helped me realise I needed a shift, a change of focus.
I know that for most of the incredible women part of Milan Women Network, Milan may just seem like another big city - maybe not the best, or most diverse, or most open-minded in terms of cultural and creative influences and opportunities…but it’s definitely more than what I was hoping to absorb, it was more than expected when it triggered my personal quest for happiness.
And maybe my happiness will be in Milan, or maybe it will be somewhere else because of Milan.
As I’ve learnt, never say never. One never knows!
It’s almost like this city brought me back to square one, while also awakening my consciousness and my self-perception.
It prompted me to ask questions like, ‘Is this the life I want to live?’
‘Do I really want speed in life?’
‘Can’t I instead open myself to other inspirations and instincts, which is exactly what this city with its contradictions is offering me?’
And this is where Milan Women Network came in.
Just before I moved here, I thought I had it all figured out, all the boxes were ticked, and I think sometimes my hard work and determination were rewarded with some positive surprises and unexpected success.
I was (or at least I thought I was) this close to settling down, not geographically maybe, but at least professionally and in terms of the lifestyle I wanted, the material and emotional quality of life I had worked hard for.
I thought I was happy.
People would say, ‘You have it all!’ and my closest friends and family were proud of me, what I had built and achieved.
And yet, all of a sudden, I found myself uncomfortable, unhappy, as if I was not in control of my life anymore, but just following a flow that I didn’t really choose myself, but simply learnt to navigate.
I was out of centre, longing for a change, deprived of my own identity and true self…
Is there anything like a mid-30 crisis?
Well, I’m head and feet in it.
I thought it was just me and my nature, because I'm not one to stay still, never satisfied with myself.
But it wasn’t a promotion or another career advancement I was looking for. It wasn’t more money, or a different corporate job.
I started doubting myself and my worth.
I started telling myself that maybe I should’ve pursued a job as an English teacher in public schools like everybody was telling me; maybe I shouldn’t have accepted the job offer in Slovakia in the first place. I graduated in international cooperation, I should’ve probably pursued a more political path…
Maybe I got it all wrong, why did I even study foreign languages!
Or, maybe I simply don't have what it takes for a corporate job, I am not wired for a competitive and fast-paced world and I should learn to just live with it, and the fact that it’s not my nature is creating this struggle now…
I didn’t know who I was anymore.
Am I really that person I see in the mirror? Is this all I want in my life, is this day-in, day-out, 12-hours-a-day corporate job crushing numbers what I want for the rest of my life?
I started re-thinking who I was before finding a job that pays the bills and before facing one’s responsibilities became a priority.
And I found such a completely different person!
I found a creative, little girl who loved being surrounded by plants and flowers, by lights and colours, by smells and natural elements, who created everything and anything with her hands, who loved painting and drawing, doing woodwork, sewing, cooking, and writing…
But can I really go back to that person?
Can this crazy, fast paced, scary world still accept people who seek a deeper connection to nature, a slower pace of living, and aren’t considered ‘productive’ in the standard, commonly accepted (maybe purely materialistic) sense of the word?
And now that I have my own apartment to pay for, I’m closer to family, I have a career, I have responsibilities…but now that I’m 33, am I still allowed to change?
Can I start from scratch or will I lose credibility? Will I maybe lose my worth?
MWN happened by chance, but showed me that I was not alone!
It proved to me that maybe some of us women are wired differently.
Not incorrectly. Not with less worth. Just differently.
We’re everchanging human beings, we don’t want to settle, we don’t want to choose just one path, tick one box after the other, comply with one label and stick with it for the rest of our lives.
Meeting so many strong, independent women through our MWN gatherings and events, who’ve gone or are going through the same challenges and dilemmas, who started from scratch, who changed direction (not once, but twice and more!) and built great things - all of this has given me great courage and inspired me so much!
And although I still need to repeat it to myself many times, I started to realise that the answer is yes!
Yes, it’s okay to want to do things in life that matter to you.
Yes, it’s okay to seek change, and make as many changes as you want.
Yes, happiness and self-realisation don’t always necessarily lie in a permanent, full-time stable job - you can find happiness in what you like too.
And so, I slowly started going back to that little girl.
I built my own green nook and started gardening again on my terrace in Milan. I’m learning the art of bonsai.
I started going out alone, taking time for myself, and attending cultural events at least as often as I go out with my husband and old friends.
I took a break from work and dedicated it to some photography lessons, started an emotional awareness and management course, and a female entrepreneurship mentoring programme.
But most importantly, I started dedicating more time to my long-time hobby - crochet - in which I found relief after long hours in the office. The slow, cadenced rhythm helped soothe my anxiety, push away negative feelings and find a space for myself.
I decided to develop it into my own thing.
If creating with my own hands brings me so much joy, if expressing myself through my creations, from selecting raw materials and colours, to sketching the design, to weaving yarns together and creating a final product seems to bring meaning, purpose - why can’t it be my way of living?
I stopped making gifts just for friends and family or supplying small orders.
Instead, I started expressing myself through it and developed my own idea!
I founded and registered my own brand The Loopy Vermillio and created my own line of products, specialising in bridal accessories and decorations for special events. I’m slowly building my path and gathering courage to make this shift, embrace who I was again, and create my own thing.
As I am about to cross my mid-thirties, I feel so insecure.
More than ever I’m scared of failure, terrified that what I’ve built will crumble… and what if it’s just a temporary fancy? I’m scared that people would pity or even judge me for throwing away a stable life to pursue a dream, a chimeric ideal of creativity and freedom.
And yet, as I hear so many stories of strong, independent, and successful women, all with their own thing, I feel so much courage and warmth.
I’m encouraged that I’m capable, that I am worth it, that my willpower is stronger than anything.
I’ve started to realise that no decision is permanent and if my business doesn’t work, I can reinvent myself again in a few years from now.
I hear and get inspiration from astonishing stories of other powerful women, and when that happens, all my fears disappear in front of so much bravery.
And so, circling back to where I started…
…where I’m coming from, where I want to live, if I want to move again or not. I don’t have an answer yet, but I know for sure that I’ll take as much as I can from Milan.
And I know this city is going to help me in this transition.
I will learn, and listen, and absorb, and get inspired. I will grow, get stronger. Ahead of me, only possibilities and opportunities.
And I cannot wait to take the leap!
Connect with Dafne on Instagram or check out her Etsy shop for beautiful bespoke bridal accessories and decorations for special events.
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